We Can Rebuild Her……..we think

Welcome to my World

on August 1, 2012

They say writing is therapeutic…..well welcome to the circus I call my mind. There’s a whole lot going on up there, so this should be interesting. Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell people how I feel. It’s easier to write it down and figure out how to process it that way. So here goes. The Bionic Dee part comes from all the times I felt like I was “rebuilding” myself after something happened in my life. Breakups, death, injuries….they all take a piece of you and leave you with this new you that needs shaping. I decided to go back to college in my late 20’s because I finally figured out what I wanna be when I grow up. I’m a Forensic Psychology major at Kaplan University working on getting my Bachelors degree and then my Masters (big plans!). My goal is to work within a police department as a department shrink or become a counselor (we’ll see what happens). When I’m not working on papers I’m either watching sports, watching a movie or reading a book. You know that giant library from Beauty & the Beast, the one with the floor to ceiling bookshelves, yeah I want that in my house. Bookworm, book hoarder, I don’t get stuck on titles. The sports I spend the most time watching are football (Go Steelers! Go U Texas Longhorns!), baseball (love me some Phillies), hockey (this Flyers fan bleeds orange & black) and rugby (eh I’m still undecided). I’m not going to sit here and list all the shows I watch because that list is ridiculously long. Just like the list of my favorite movies is ridiculously long too. But I will say my top five are: E.T.; Braveheart, Silence of the Lambs, Nightmare on Elm Street (the original with Robert Englund!!!) and The Dark Knight.

Like I said before, there’s always something that happens that makes me feel like I’m rebuilding myself again. Spent the bulk of my childhood taking martial arts, so you’d think I wouldn’t be so bothered by injuries. You’d be wrong. Had knee surgery in 2009. Recovering from that was like watching Bambi learn how to walk, awkward but not nearly as cute. Now I’m on the mend with a lower back injury thanks to a car accident. This is proving to be a bigger pain in the ass than my knee. I can’t work. I can’t go to the gym. Half the time I can’t sit up straight. I bust my ass every week in physical therapy trying to get better, but it wears on you after a while. I get depressed hearing about other people enjoying their summer and living it up while I’m stuck on the sofa. I miss my life. I miss being able to dance. I miss not worrying about everything. I know this is temporary but sometimes it’s so damn hard to remember that. My thoughts get clouded by what I’m going through now and it’s hard to think about this ending. If it weren’t for my boyfriend and some really great friends/family I would go nuts. For those who don’t know me that well, my friends are my family (my bio family chooses to pretend I don’t exist and I have no problem doing the same).

The hardest thing I’ve ever gone through was losing my mom. She was my hero, my idol, my rock. She died September 29, 2003 from lung cancer. It took me 8 years to stop feeling so lost and angry all the time. I still have my moments when I think about her and I have to fight the tears because I miss her. That rebuild was the hardest. Trying to figure out how to live without her. She was from Texas so she was strong and brave and amazing. Sweet when she needed to be and tough as nails when she had to be. We had our moments when I was a teenager, but let’s face it teenage girls are rough. All moody and hormonal. I think it took me about a year to be able to look in the mirror without crying. I’m the spitting image of my mother, so that was painful. Sometimes I wasn’t sure if I was looking at her or myself. I am my mother’s daughter after all. I’m thankful I had her in my life as long as I did, other people aren’t that lucky. But she helped make me the woman I am today, I’m proud to say she was my momma.

My life isn’t all tears and pain pills though, just most of it. There’s a lot of good times in between. Times when I’ve laughed so hard I peed myself a little. Moments when my face hurt from smiling so much. Days that made me feel like I was walking on sunshine. Isn’t that how life goes though? You laugh, you cry, you get super pissed…..and then you keep going. I hope you’ll stick around for a while, this journey can feel a little lonely sometimes and it’d be nice to have some company.

…….and on that note I need to drag myself to bed. Hugs and ass slaps xoxoxo. Goodnight/morning. “See” you soon….



For More Like This—–> September, All About Moi, Morning Dialogue

2 responses to “Welcome to my World

  1. maureen says:

    I know how you feel about not being able to do anything, I was the one whith you…… but you are astrong woman an I can hear you roar…..Love you bunches.

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