~ BIONIC DEE ~

We Can Rebuild Her……..we think

Are We Truly Free (A Must Read From A Fellow Blogger)

“In talking to a friend on Facebook, I can’t help for feel sorry for those who have to “hide” who they truly are. America, we are taught, is the Land of the Free. But is it really that Free?

People are hiding their sexuality and faith. If America is so Free, why must we hide?”

Okay that’s all you get, there’s your sample, if you want to read more click on the link below and feel free to show her some love about this thought provoking post.

Are We Truly Free

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R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

I was about to get in the elevator when this boy, couldn’t have been more than 15, pushed past me and got in ahead of me. The only reason he had room to get by me was because the man standing in front of the elevator moved back so I could go in. I went from thankful smile to pissed off wrinkly forehead and clenched jaw. The man by the elevator just shook his head “What happened to having respect?”

You know what, that’s a damn good question. Girls talk about anything and everything in public. From baby daddy issues to who gave them an STD to what shoes they want to buy. Guys having conversations where every other word is a curse word. I know it’s a versatile word but come on, you mean to tell me you can’t go five seconds without dropping the F-bomb?! It’s not just teens, it’s supposedly “grown ass adults” who don’t seem to know how to respect themselves let alone anyone else.

I blame their parents. I was 18 before I cursed in front of my mom. And I still ducked when I said it. There’s a time and a place for everything. But I’m not surprised since people these days are more concerned with picking apart a celebrity’s life than improving their own. When people think there’s nothing wrong with being 16 & Pregnant there’s no such thing as class, decency or respect.

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My First Job

I’ve had some interesting jobs in my lifetime. I’ve worked almost steadily since the age of 16 up until now. The only time I didn’t have a job was during the 6 months I was at Stockton College in NJ and while I was at The Restaurant School. Well technically I did work when I was at The Restaurant School, I just didn’t get paid for it. Anywho, my first job was working for the Summer Housing Department at the University of Pennsylvania. Say what now? Yeah I know not your typical job for a teenager, but I liked it. I got the job because of my mom, she worked at UPenn in the Academic Housing department. I basically grew up on that campus. When I was little I used to love walking through the mini parks they had scattered around the campus. All of her co-workers loved me and I loved tagging along with them whenever my mom was busy. Kind of funny that outside of my mom and her best friend Ms. Jean these were the only people who called me by my full first name instead of my nickname. I think they just loved saying my name I don’t know.

This is the high rise my mom worked in….Hi Academic Housing!!

As a kid I had no clue what my mom’s job really meant, all I knew was she worked in a high rise and dealt with a lot of cranky people all day. There’s a difference between middle class cranky and rich cranky. When I turned 16 my mom thought it was time for me to get a job. Since I was so familiar with the UPenn campus, it just seemed natural that I should work there too. Basically me and my friend Melissa would push this big old bin on wheels from high rise to high rise. They’d give us a list of the rooms that needed to be checked on and we were on our way. Had all the essentials we needed for cleaning the rooms and whatnot stuffed in that wheely bin. Here’s where it gets interesting….it’s amazing the things people leave behind. So we’d go into these rooms the summer semester students were using and run through the list. Making notes about damage to the room, cleaning it up, taking the linens and dumping them in bags so they could be washed, and leaving clean linens behind. Some of the rooms weren’t too bad. But other ones look like someone had a rave the night before. College kids are nasty! And they would leave behind things that were either cool, broken or just oh-my-god-you’re-seven-types-of-nasty. Rich kids don’t care what condition the things they leave behind are in, they can just replace them  the next day. So we’ve seen lamps, radios, dishes, clothes, shoes, books, used condoms. All types of random things left behind. I only worked during the summer because my mom was worried about me keeping my grades up. But I worked there two summers in a row. It was a fun, interesting job to say the least. But it made me thankful for the things I had, and made me want to work harder for the things I wanted.

No clue what the name is for this art piece so mom and I called it The Dueling Tampons

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September 11, 2001

Today marks the 11 year anniversary of one of the biggest atrocities ever committed on U.S. soil. It started as a bright, beautiful day just like any other. On that Tuesday morning we all started our lives just as we had before every other day. Children went to school, adults went to work, and life as we knew it didn’t seem any different. At 8:46am American Airlines Flight 11 crashed into the North Tower of the World Trade Center in New York City. As smoke billowed from the building time seemed to stop as we all tried to figure out what had just happened. At 9:03am the South Tower of the World Trade Center was rocked when United Airlines Flight 175 crashed into it. Utter chaos took over as we continued to try to come to grips and figure out what was happening. Before the second plane hit we all figured a bomb had exploded, what else would cause such damage. It wasn’t until the second plane hit that we started to realize what caused the damage to the Twin Towers. That shock turned to fear when we saw the second plane cruise right into the South Tower. It had been aimed at that tower and we were under attack.

First you start to think that this attack was limited to the towers in NY, until the third plane crashed. At 9:37am American Airlines Flight 77 crashed into the Pentagon. Now we were being attacked in NY and Washington, D.C. What was going on? Why were these planes crashing? Are they just attacking NY and D.C.? What is happening to our country? The final crash occurred at 10:03am when United Airlines Flight 93 crashed into a field in Shanksville, PA. Not since the attack on Pearl Harbor has the United States been at such a high level of fear, terror, sadness and confusion.

At the time I was a tour guide in Philadelphia. I drove a horse and carriage through the historic section of town known as Old City. I loved my job. Meeting new people, sharing my knowledge with them, and getting to work with a horse. Life was great. When the first tower was hit I was out behind our stable with a co-worker and we were grooming our horses and getting them ready for another day of work. One of our friends ran over to us and started freaking out because, as he said, the Twin Towers had been bombed. We dropped everything (thankfully our horses were tied up) and ran inside to crowd around the little TV set in the stable. Another friend of ours came running in and the four of us huddled around that TV and watched, like so many others, as the attacks continued. I don’t know how much time passed between the second crash and us finding the will to speak again, but it felt like hours. None of us wanted to go anywhere, we thought it was best to stay in front of the TV and find out what was going on. Not too long after the Pentagon was hit we received a phone call from the Park Service telling us not to work today. We thought it was because of the plane crashes, but it was actually because they received a bomb threat near the Liberty Bell. When they said bomb threat our minds were made up, we weren’t working that day. It wasn’t just because we were scared and confused by the plane crashes, it was because our lives were now in danger. You see, we all parked our carriages on the streets that run between the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall. To this day I don’t know if they found anything near the Liberty Bell. But at the time, the threat was credible enough to make us all believe our lives were in danger.

So we just sat there and watched and wondered. Smoke billowing from the Towers, smoke billowing from the Pentagon. And then time stopped. At 9:59am the South Tower crumbled and collapsed onto the streets below. We screamed and gasped out of shock and fear, and huddled together and cried over the lives that had just been lost. We were reeling from the shock of watching hundreds or thousands of people die right before our eyes. News of the plane crash in PA made these attacks feel much too close to home. At 10:28am the North Tower collapsed from the structural damage and fires raging inside. All we could do was sit there and feel helpless. There was nothing we could do, nothing we could say.  I don’t remember when our boss told us to go home, but we all shuffled out into the daylight stunned and terrified. Took me a while to be able to think. My friend told me I could come stay at her place for a while, and I told her I needed to call my mom. At the time my mom worked in one of the high rise buildings on the University of Pennsylvania’s campus. Academic Housing. I was afraid for her because she was in a high rise building. I needed to talk to her, needed to know she was okay, needed her to know I was okay. I didn’t get to see or talk to her for a few hours because all the phone circuits were a mess. I remember going home and drifting between shock, confusion, sadness and anger.  You never think something like this will happen during your lifetime. The sad fact is that this could happen again. There are people in this world who are so filled with hate that they think slaughtering innocent people is what their god wants them to do. Women, children, elderly, disabled….it doesn’t matter who gets in their way. If they hate your country enough they will kill you for being a citizen.

I remember when I was growing up asking my mom what it was like when she was younger. She lived through the roughest times in American history. The 1960’s. I would always look at her with this mix of sadness and confusion when she would tell me stories about how she was treated. It was hard enough to be black in the 60’s, even harder if you were light-skinned black like she was. She told me about the sadness of losing Martin Luther King Jr. She told me how hard it was to be a Texan after John F. Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas, TX. Most of all she told me how she didn’t want me to have to live in fear of what hatred would cause other people to do. When I finally got home and saw my mom we hugged for a while and didn’t really talk much. I remember her looking at me with this sadness in her eyes. My grandfather had the attack on Pearl Harbor as a scar on his heart. My mom had the assassinations of Martin Luther King Jr., John F. Kennedy and Robert F. Kennedy as a scar on her heart. Now I had Columbine and 9/11 as a scar on my heart.

Check out some posts from my fellow bloggers:

How Children Remember 9/11

Scruffy, Messy and Dirty

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A Quick Hello :-D

So I found this little guy in the middle console of my boyfriend’s car. I’m assuming he was a prize from a machines his son won. Anywhoo, he’s mine now. Say hello to everyone Emperor Wigglehands!

Mehhh!

 

More Random Goodness:

My Bedtime Ritual

 

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Favorite Things

“Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite thing”

Thank you Julie Andrews and Disney for getting this song from The Sound of Music stuck in my head

It’s funny how as you get older somehow you end up sounding exactly like you swore you’d never sound when you were a kid. Remember how when you were little you’d hear older people saying things like When I was your age”…..and you swore up and down you were never, EVER going to say that when you got older. Hahahahaha we were so naive! Because you and I both know we’ve used that phrase not once…not twice….but several times. BECAUSE IT’S TRUE! There is always some way for one generation to compare themselves to the generation coming up behind them, and the one after that. The Baby Boomers and Generation X (1950s to late 1970s) had the 60’s, Women’s Rights Revolution, Civil Rights, The Moon Landing, the greatest music ever created and the beginning of technological advances. Generation Y (1980s to 2000) had the Reagan Era, Sally Ride, Nintendo, the second best period of music, and the best cartoons (Thundercats Ho! and who was more outrageous than Jem).

When I was a kid I constantly heard Baby Boomers and Gen-Xers talking about how they didn’t have the crazy things kids my age had. VCRs, tape decks and the coolest thing of all at that time Nintendo. “When I was your age we didn’t have fancy toys like you do. We played stickball and walked 5 miles to school, uphill both ways.” You wave it off and think What do these old people know.” Then you get older and you look at the things kids have access to now and you think “When I was your age we didn’t have Facebook, Twitter, iPods, iPads, Xbox Kinect or Wiis.” Damn I feel old saying that. But you get nostalgic about the good old days and reminisce about the great things you had, and appreciate the things you have now. So I wanted to make a short list of My Favorite Things: Then and Now.To keep this from getting ridiculously out of hand I’ll do a top 3 for each section. Gadgets/Toys, Movies, TV Shows and Songs. And I’d love to hear from you what your favorite things are. So here goes……

GADGETS/TOYS THEN:

Easy Bake Oven

I was completely in awe of the fact that I could make my own tiny little cakes. Nevermind the fact that you were using a lightbulb to heat these things up. And the fact that they didn’t taste the greatest either. None of that matter because I thought I was the best chef in the world. My mom was nice enough to smile and choke down those awful things while managing to make me think I was doing a good job. Stomaching your child’s awful attempts at baking….that’s unconditional love right there.

Snoopy Sno Cone Machine

So let me get this straight…..if I want a sno cone and it’s the middle of winter I can just make it myself. The Ice Cream Man only came around during spring and summer. So if I really wanted a sno cone and mom was too busy to go to the store, I could just make it myself. SWEEETTT!

Cabbage Patch Doll

Before there was a Tickle Me Elmo craze there was the Cabbage Patch Doll. When I look at them now I can’t understand why in the hell we wanted them so bad because those things are far from cute. But when they came out every little girl asked Santa to put one under the tree for her. And I was no exception.

GADGETS NOW:

HTC HD7 Windows Phone

Most people know that my favorite color is pink. So when I got this phone one of the two things that sold me on it was the fact that I could make the tiles on my home screen pink. AWESOME! I also like that I can move said tiles around and place them however it suites my needs. Having Microsoft Office on there helps too, I barely use it but it’s nice to have in case I get ideas for a paper while I’m traveling. Besides all the sweet apps it’s the personalization part I like the most.

Laptop

No need to be chained to a desk anymore now that I have a laptop. Plane, train, automobile….my laptop goes everywhere with me. Thanks to many places adding outlets in their locations a lot of places are becoming laptop friendly. But it’s convenient to be able to pick this thing up and pull it out whenever I need to do something. Instead of being forced to only work on things when I’m at home.

DVR

No more worrying about missing a show! Just set your DVR to record and away we go. Single shows, movies, TV series…whatever. If you want it you can store it on your DVR and watch as many times as your heart desires. Unlike when I was a teen and used to wait patiently with a blank VCR tape ready and my finger on the Record button. Now I don’t have to be in the room or even have that channel on. VCRs forced you to make sure your TV was set to the right channel. It sucked to remember after the fact that your show was on channel 10 not channel 6, because then…well you missed it.

MOVIES THEN:

E.T.

This was the first movie I saw so it holds a special place in my heart. I wasn’t even 1 years old yet when this movie was released so I think my mom waited until it came out on video. To this day every time E.T. gets sick I still cry like a baby.

The Princess Bride

“My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!” At the time I was still a big fan of wrestling so seeing Andre the Giant in that movie was a thrill for me. But on top of that it was sweet and hi-larious. One of my favorite movies because it wasn’t slapstick or over the top comedy.

Nightmare on Elm Street

No matter how old I get I’ll always be terrified of Freddy Krueger. Why? Because he’s the only horror monster you can’t run away from since he’s in your dreams. When I was finally old enough for my mom to let me watch it I ended up sleeping with the lights on for a while. That song those little girls sing still creeps me out.

MOVIES NOW:

Braveheart

For those of you who haven’t seen this movie I won’t be one of “those people” who spills the beans on how it ends. All I have to say is FREEDOMMMMM! That is love right there. Not just love between a man and a woman, but love for your country to go through all of that.

The Help

If you haven’t seen this movie yet you are seriously slacking. It’s not a chick flick, it’s an everyone flick. One of the best movies I’ve ever seen. You really feel for what these ladies had to go through to make a living, and how hard it was to survive in the 60s. It makes you grateful that things aren’t the same as it was. We still have a ways to go, but I am so glad I didn’t have to live through the 60s.

Bridesmaids

Best. Comedy. EVER! I’ve loved Melissa McCarthy from back when she was on Gilmore Girls. But to see her hold her own in this movie was awesome. My face and sides were killing me from laughing so much. I had to remind myself to breathe while I was laughing so hard.

TV THEN:

The Cosby Show

So Bill Cosby and I have a connection. Not like a “hey I’ve met him or grew up near him” kind of connection…but a “you’re from my area” connection. We’re both from Philadelphia. So to see him portrayed as a successful doctor married to a successful lawyer was great. The fact that they didn’t come off as the perfect family was even better. It showed that no matter how much money you have, there are still issues in every household. So it was nice to see that.

Full House

Back when there was something called TGIF I looked forward to this show a lot. I could be in the other room and as soon as I heard the theme song I skidded into the living room. Have to admit I had a crush on John Stamos so that’s why I started watching. But it was kinda funny.

Tales From the Crypt

When this show first started I wasn’t allowed to stay up late enough to watch it. So I’d sneak down after my mom was asleep and keep the volume down just low enough for me to hear but not wake her up. I thought I was sooo slick. Yeah, mom caught on to my tricks. Eventually she caved and let me stay up to watch the show as long as there were no complaints about me getting up in the morning. So not only was it cool that I got to stay up late (Ooooooo), but the Cryptkeeper had this wicked sense of humor I picked up on. I think that’s when I realized I had a sick sense of humor and was beyond politically incorrect.

TV NOW:

NCIS

My grandfather and my boyfriend both served in the Navy, so when I heard about a show dedicated to Navy cops I just had to watch. And then I met Leroy Jethro Gibbs, the silver haired fox, and fell in love with him and his entire team.

The Walking Dead

Laugh all you want this is a how-to guide for surviving the zombie apocalypse. It’s also a really good show that manages to keep a great story going in the middle of fighting zombies.

Boardwalk Empire & Game of Thrones

If you haven’t seen either of these shows you should. I had a hard time picking between them because they’re both sooo good. But again, great storyline with the right amount of violence and naughtiness.

SONGS THEN:

Thriller by Michael Jackson

The first time I heard Vincent Price’s laugh I jumped up and stopped the record. Damn I miss listening to music on vinyl. That laugh creeped me out and would haunt my dreams. So for a while I would always get up and stop the song right before that point. Then the video came out and I eventually got over it and tried to do the zombie dance. I now blame my fascination with zombies on this song, it’s all MJ’s fault.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper

Bubbly, fun. The right kind of song to put on when you wanted to be silly and dance around the room. Like any other 80’s girl I loved Madonna too, but I loved Cyndi Lauper more.

Walk Like An Egyptian  by The Bangles

I loved the beat and the dance that went with this song. Another one of those fun songs that made you want to get up and dance.

SONGS NOW:

Won’t Back Down by Eminem

This is my anthem for when things feel like they’re piling on and the anxiety is trying to get the best of me. For those days when I’ve dealt with people’s bad attitudes and I’m completely fed up. This is that song that reminds me to keep going and pushing for what I want. Ignore the assholes and keep fighting. Never say quit.

Belief by John Mayer

I love the message behind this song. Just sit and listen to the song with the lyrics in front of you and it does make a lot of sense. John Mayer has a way with words.

Put You In A Song by Keith Urban

One of my favorite love songs.

For More Like This—–> When I Was Your Age 

One Day You’ll Realize I’m Right

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Bedtime Ritual

I’m one of those people who finds amusement in the most random things. I still love a good Disney movie. I have no problem discussing the reasons why it’s bad to take Barbie’s shoes off (once they’re off those things are a lost cause). My friends say I’m an smart-ass with a dirty, messed up sense of humor. As my boyfriend likes to say, I’m very random. Conversations start off in a normal direction, and then somehow there’s a u-turn and you end up speeding through the grass until you find Random Road. I don’t mean random, nonsensical stuff, just random topics. So of course bedtime is no different. No clue why I started doing this, but a couple nights a week after the lights are out and we’re settled into bed I ask a random question.

Me: Can I have a bear for Christmas? Not one of those big ones but a cute little cuddly one.

Mark: *sigh* Go to bed.

Next night…..

Me: Can I have a Clydesdale for Christmas?

Mark: *sigh* Goodnight.

Next night…….

Me: Can I have a dolphin for my birthday?

Mark: Oh my God go to bed Dee!

The week before that I think I asked for a tiger. At some point I’ll probably stop before “kind of cute and slightly annoying” turns into “shut up before I put duct tape over your mouth.” There’s a fine line between cute and sleeping with duct tape.

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September

This is the first time since 2003 I’ve had a reason to look forward to September. My mom died on Sept. 29, 2003 so I’ve had a hate/hate relationship with the month ever since. She had been battling lung cancer for about a year. At one point when she was in the hospital it looked like she was getting well enough to come home. I started prepping the house to bring her home and when I went in the next day they told me she was getting worse. No one really explained the process to me so I spent a long time being confused. Even when I went in to see her when she died it just didn’t click. I thought she was asleep. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I kind of understood she was gone. But my heart hadn’t caught up, so I was confused and lost. I only remember bits and pieces of the days after she died. Visiting the funeral home, picking out her coffin, finding clothes for her to wear, flower arrangements. Thankfully my mom had thought of all of this and prepared everything for me. Along with her will was a list of what she wanted me to do for her when she died. There are no words to describe how much that meant to me. Knowing she took the time to take the burden off my shoulders of making those decisions. It was her final act of taking care of her baby girl.

I used to get this pit of sadness and anger inside. Sometime during the next year I came across a song that would spend a lot of time on repeat. Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day. Don’t remember how it started, think the video was on in the background and I wasn’t paying attention or the song was on the radio. One of the two. Whatever the case, it went from background music to becoming one of my personal anthems. Course I didn’t care about what the video for the song was about. It was the title that stuck in my head. That’s how I felt. I didn’t want to deal with September at all. I have music for just about every mood I’m in, it helps sometimes, music has always been my default way to get through or deal with something. It’s my outlet. After mom died I don’t remember how long it took before I actively listened to something that wasn’t a melancholy or angry song. There would be songs on at the bar but I always looked for the rock music in the jukebox. Anything with a howling guitar in the background. It was the only music my heart wanted.

At some point I had two songs that were my go-to songs for those moods I just couldn’t shake. When I was somewhere between feeling lost, betrayed, depressed and alone. Wake Me Up When September Ends, and Dare You To Move by Switchfoot. I would put those songs on and curl up and cry my eyes out. Dare You To Move ended up becoming a personal challenge after a couple years. I found the lyrics and had them playing with the song while I cried and something clicked in me. I started trying to listen to the song without breaking down into a mass of sadness and grief. Eventually it got to the point where I could sing-a-long without needing a box of tissues on standby. There were times when I got sad for no reason. My thoughts just drifted off and I would have flashbacks. Of my mom in her hospital bed, talking to her after she slipped into a coma state, kissing her forehead after she died, walking up to her coffin and watching them bury her with my grandfather. So these songs after a while they became a way to reconnect with my inner strength. I had to find a way to get up and keep moving even when I didn’t want to.

So these songs, were and are a big deal to me. For close to 8 years I dreaded September. Until I met my boyfriend. I had told him everything about me, and vice versa. I think the fact that we both went through a traumatic loss made it easier to understand where the other one was coming from. His father died when he was young, so he understood how devastating losing my mom was to me. And I told him about how much I hated September, and he promised me that I wouldn’t be alone in my grief anymore. He would find a way to give me a reason to smile in September. He has. Tomorrow, September 5th, will be our one year anniversary. I know he meant something else along the lines of marriage or a baby. But for me, this is enough, anything else is extra reasons to be happy. So for the first time since 2003 I have a reason to smile this September. And I don’t hate September anymore.

 

 

 

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Finals Week

Sorry I’ve been absent lately but it’s finals week. That lovely end of the semester that signals all types of stress and anxiety. This is usually the time when I say goodbye to those nice 2-8 page papers, or 5-10 slide PowerPoint projects. And I say HELLO to 10+ page papers and 10-15 slide PowerPoints. Mmmm yeah.

Week of prepping + 2-3 days of note taking =  3-5 hour writing sessions.

This is my writing face:

Which is similar to my highlighting face:

But more stressed and Grrrrr looking. Thankfully I was able to work ahead some and get the minor assignments out of the way before the big ones. So now I’m going to do myself a favor and chillax for a bit and enjoy my brief moment of down time. I get 3 weeks of luxuriating before the rush starts all over again. Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining one bit, I do enjoy working my butt off. And it shows in my grades. Looks like I’m getting A’s this semester but until the final grades are posted, I’m not assuming anything. I’ll be back soon, right now I think I’ll take a cue from Bruno Mars:

 

 

For More Like This—–> Little Miss Productive

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Letting Go

Letting Go.

A post from a fellow blogger about why Letting Go is so important. We don’t think of how severely life events impact our heart and shape the person we are. This is a great example of how holding onto the things that hurt us hurt our heart. Very, insightful blog to follow!

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